Do you struggle with saying “no” to others?

Do you struggle with saying “no” to others, even when it is something you don’t want to do? For many people, the fear of saying “no” or engaging in “people-pleasing” begins in childhood. Boundaries in a relationship are the limits and guidelines you set to protect your emotional, mental, physical, and personal well-being. As a child, you had little or no power to establish your own boundaries. Instead, your boundaries were either respected by others or they weren’t.

For example, as a child, were your physical boundaries violated by a caregiver? In other words, were you ever spanked, whooped, hit, slapped, or sexually assaulted? These are examples of physical boundary violations. Emotional boundaries can also be violated. Examples of emotional boundary violations include being insulted, yelled at, manipulated, ignored, or threatened. When caregivers engage in these behaviors with children, the child may learn that they are not allowed to have boundaries and that what they want or need does not matter. As a result, the child may begin to please their caregivers or others because if they don’t, they are at risk of being physically or emotionally harmed. In other words, the child learns to do whatever the caregiver or others want in order to keep that person happy, which in turn helps keep the child safe.

Many people carry this survival strategy—people-pleasing—into adulthood. They may continue to please others in adulthood in order to avoid confrontation or the possibility of emotional or physical harm. The problem with people-pleasing in adulthood is that the person often becomes overwhelmed by the many demands they feel they are unable to say “no” to. They may feel as though they are constantly giving but receiving little in return. The thought of saying “no” may trigger anxiety or fear about how the other person might react. They may also believe that saying “no” will make them feel guilty or that it means they are a “bad person.”

However, everyone has the right to set their own boundaries, and to have their boundaries respected. If always saying “yes” to others has left you feeling overwhelmed and stressed, it may be time to examine your core beliefs about boundaries. With the support of a skilled therapist, you can learn how to set healthy boundaries with others and do so free of guilt. The result is that you begin to feel less stressed and are able create your own sense of safety with regard to your own emotional, mental, and physical well-being. If you set a boundary with someone and they do not respect it, you may need to evaluate whether that relationship is worth continuing to invest your time and energy in. Boundaries do not push people away. In fact, they often help relationships last longer because both people understand how to treat one another with respect. If you are interested in exploring this topic with one of our licensed therapists, feel free to contact us today.