Coping With Divorce

January through March is when most people research and/or file for divorce. People who have been thinking about divorce often wait until after the holidays to file for divorce, especially if they have children. Thinking about or even going through a divorce can be extremely stressful and traumatic for many people.

On one’s wedding day, most people think “this is the person I am going to spend the rest of my life with and grow old with.” When one realizes that this will no longer be their reality, a barrage of emotions can surface within an individual including depression, anxiety, anger, and in some cases relief. Whether you’re the person who files for divorce or the person who does not want the divorce, there can be many fears and uncertainties regarding one’s future post-divorce.

Many people experience sadness, grief, anxiety, or anger when going through a divorce. The grief is from realizing that one’s life didn’t turn out the way you had planned. You are not just grieving a person, you’re grieving the future you thought you would have; the routines, shared identity, maybe even the version of yourself you were in that relationship. That grief is real, regardless of who initiated the divorce. There are many common fears or beliefs that people have when it comes to divorce. Ask yourself if you have had any of the below fears or beliefs:

1. “I’m going to be alone forever.”

This fear isn’t just about dating—it’s about belonging and safety. Divorce can shake the belief that someone will choose you long-term.
What helps: remind yourself that loneliness now does not equal permanent loneliness. Right now, your nervous system is reacting to loss, not predicting the future accurately.

2. “I failed.”

This one can be brutal. Society often frames marriage as success/failure, even though relationships are two-person systems with changing needs.
Reframe gently: ending something that no longer works can be an act of honesty, not failure.

3. “I can’t trust myself anymore.”

People often fear their judgment is broken—How did I not see this coming?
Truth: you made choices with the information, capacity, and emotional tools you had at the time. Growth doesn’t mean that the past-you was stupid; it means the present-you knows more.

 

4. “I’ll never feel secure again.” (Financially or Emotionally)

Divorce can destroy your sense of emotional and financial safety all at once.
What helps: rebuilding security in layers—routine, income clarity, emotional support—rather than expecting one person or decision to fix it all.

5. “I’m too old / it’s too late for me.”

This fear is really about time and regret.
Reality check: people rebuild at every age. What matters more than timing is emotional availability and self-knowledge—which you’re actively gaining right now.

6. “I’ll repeat the same mistake.”

Totally normal fear—and actually a sign of awareness.
Instead of trying to guarantee you won’t mess up again (no one can), focus on noticing patterns: boundaries, communication, red flags you ignored before.

7. “What if this breaks me?”

This fear often comes up when you’re exhausted.
Divorce can change you, yes—but “broken” usually means transformed in ways you didn’t choose yet. Most people eventually become more grounded, clearer, and more self-trusting.

Remember, you are not alone. These types of thoughts are very common for people going through divorce. Being able to talk about your fears or worries with someone you trust can help you see different points of view and different ways of thinking. How many times in our lives has someone said something profound to us where we ended up saying to them, “I never thought of it that way.” When you are going through a hard time it’s really hard to see another way of thinking because you are “too close to the situation”. Sometimes it takes an objective person to be able to see things more clearly and rationally than we are able to.

There is life after divorce. Millions of people divorce every year, and millions of people survive it. If millions of people can survive it, so can you. The first key is to have emotional support. Whether it is a friend or a loved one, having a trusted someone you can talk to helps you to not feel so alone as well as can give you a different perspective. Individual counseling with a licensed therapist can be extremely helpful to help process any emotions related to the divorce whether it be anger, depression, confusion, or anxiety. Your counselor can help you work through your fears, negative self-talk, depression and/or guilt through a combination of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Internal Family Systems (IFS), or Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR). In addition to individual counseling, many communities have support groups for divorced people. Such groups like Coping with Divorce and Divorce Care are just a couple of divorce groups that have gained in popularity over the years. Meeting and talking with other people who are going through (or who are divorced) can also help one to feel less alone.

In addition to therapy, there are some other things that can be beneficial for people who are going through divorce.

1. Let it be painful without judging yourself

You can be sad, angry, relieved, numb, grieving, hopeful—sometimes all in the same day. There’s no “correct” emotional timeline. Trying to rush yourself into being “okay” usually backfires.

2. Grieve what you lost (even if the marriage wasn’t great)

As stated earlier, you’re not just grieving a person, you’re grieving the future you thought you’d have, routines, shared identity, maybe even the version of yourself you were in that relationship. That grief is real, regardless of who initiated the divorce.

3. Create small anchors in your day

When everything feels unstable, small predictable things help your nervous system:

• Morning walk, coffee ritual, journaling 5 minutes
• One “normal” habit you keep no matter what
• Going to bed at roughly the same time

These aren’t about productivity, they’re about steadiness.

4. Be careful with coping shortcuts

Totally understandable urges: overworking, drinking more, jumping into dating, doomscrolling, or replaying every argument in your head. None of these make you a bad person—but notice which ones leave you feeling worse afterward and gently limit those.

5. Separate practical stress from emotional pain

Legal, financial, and logistical stuff can amplify the emotional hit.

• Make lists.
• Handle admin in chunks.
• If possible, get professional help (lawyer, mediator, financial planner) so you’re not carrying everything alone.

6. Expect identity shifts

You might think things like:

• Who am I without this marriage?
• Did I fail?
• Can I trust myself again?

These questions are part of the process; not signs you’re stuck. Over time, answers show up—usually quieter and more solid than you expect.

7. Give yourself a long runway

Most people underestimate how long divorce recovery takes. Healing isn’t linear. Feeling okay for a week and then crashing doesn’t mean you’re back at square one. Divorce tends to surface fears that go way deeper than the relationship itself. You’re not weak for having them, they’re actually very common and very human.